The First 30 Minutes
This actually isn’t a thing this week! We get an Independence Day segment instead. No talking. Sooo……
Independence Day Segment
It’s Independence Day AKA the 4th of July! A recording from earlier today is being shown. In the recording, all the Superstars are eating, mingling, and having a grand time. The Golden Truth are on stage performing when The Vaudevillains decide to bum rush the performance.
Aiden English takes it upon himself to sing a musical rendition of the Declaration of Independence. Ick. Someone hits him in the face with what looks like potato salad and just before he retaliates, Maryse cuts him off. Miz has something important to say.
The Miz stands up in front of his peers and warns them about being too rowdy. Every year, a food fight breaks out and Miz doesn’t want this to be another one of those days. Just when you think he’s gotten through to them, someone squirts Miz with some kind of sauce or condiment and now it’s on.
Kevin Owens immediately climbs under a table. He wants nothing to do with this. Everyone else is making a HUGE mess. Bo Dallas tries to sneak up on Enzo and dump the punch bowl on his head but Big Cass is there to save the day. Big Show and Kane get into it, Apollo Crews and Cesaro are arm wrestling, Maryse is a mess. It’s crazy. It all comes to a head when Heath Slater pokes the wrong giants. Big Show and Kane team up to Chokeslam him through a table. After that everyone laughs and leaves.
Kevin Owens pops up from under the table after everyone has gone. He makes a smart remark about how this wouldn’t happen in Canada. Then from a second person perspective, he gets pied. We just see whip cream everywhere. Kevin is irate. He flips all the remaining tables and breaks a few chairs before he leaves the room. Let’s start the show!
Titus O’Neil Vs. Rusev (United States Championship Match)
Lilian Garcia starts things off right with a heartfelt rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. It was beautiful, her voice was beautiful, and then Rusev came out. Didn’t see that coming. So with Rusev coming out, we know from last week’s SmackDown what’s in store. Titus O’Neil! I’m buying him as a singles competitor. He’s done great work since coming back from his suspension. Now I don’t know who told him this was a good idea but he came out dressed as Uncle Sam. Meh. Commercial. I wouldn’t usually mention these, but this break was semi-significant. The match hasn’t started and the bell hasn’t rung! When we get back, we’ll have missed something.
Sure enough, we return and Titus has stripped down to just his American flag shorts and he’s getting stomped on in the corner. But there’s hope! Titus pushes Rusev’s leg back and strikes back with solid fists. The two behemoths exchange blows. All power moves. It’s a man’s world. No love in that ring.
Titus builds some momentum and the crowd is into it. He does that screamy thing he does sometimes and splashes on Rusev in the corner. Rusev is dazed. He walks right into Titus and catches a Clash of the Titus! Only a 2 count. It’s gonna be tougher than that to beat Rusev in his Street Fighter Zangief stage. Rusev pushes away from Titus and retreats to a corner. Titus pursues. The referee wants to make sure Rusev is okay and pushes Titus back. Rusev uses this moment to kick Titus flush on the side of the head. He gives him another kick for good measure before he applies The Accolade. Titus fights with all his might but he has no choice but to tap. Rusev retains.
It seems as though victory is not enough for the Bulgarian Brute. After releasing his grip, he decides that he wasn’t done yet and slaps on The Accolade again. He yells and slides out of the ring. Rusev grabs a microphone and gives America a very sarcastic Happy Birthday. Talks about grilling bugers and weenies. It was all bad. Good win for Rusev though.
Social Outcasts Vs. Enzo & Cass
The Social Outcasts are nuts. They come out dressed as Minutemen, full attire, wigs and all. They come to the ring and plan on speaking, but are interrupted quicker than you can say, “How You Doin’?” Enter Enzo and Cass.
Now you know Enzo has something to say because he always does. This time, it’s pretty impressive! After he disses the outfits, he names all the Presidents from Washington to Obama in order! I can’t believe it.
No point really in going over this match. You KNOW who won, you know HOW they won, and you also know, How they doin’. Instead, check out Heath Slater play this sweet flute thing.
Here comes the WWE Women’s Champion and her protege, Dana Brooke. Charlotte has some words for us regarding Sasha Banks. According to Charlotte, Banks is jealous. She’s also all hype. Well The Boss has a habit of showing up when you speak ill of her. Ask and ye shall receive. Banks comes out and addresses the champ. She does give props to Charlotte for holding the title for as long as she has and all of her other accomplishments over the past year. It HAS been about a year since they came up from NXT with Becky Lynch. The one thing that Charlotte has NOT done, is beat Sasha Banks in a one on one match.
While the argument gets heated, Charlotte’s sneaky protege tries to blindside The Boss but she sees it coming. Sasha nails her good and Charlotte eats on too. Sasha goes back to Dana and excuses her out the ring. She turns around right into a boot from the champ. Charlotte gloats and holds the title in her face. She turns her back and mocks the crowd. Before she knows it, Sasha is hitting her with a Backstabber and ripping her apart with the Bank Statement. Dana manages to pull Charlotte out the ring and the two escape. Until next time, Champ.
The Miz Vs. Dean Ambrose
So apparently we just don’t respect Ambrose as champ. First off, he main evented SmackDown last week. Now, he’s caught in a rematch from SmackDown on RAW! Granted it was a good match that told a story, we don’t need that right here. Oh well. I get it though. You don’t really want to start any feuds before a draft unless you want to plant seeds for a big storyline sometime down the line.
Anyway, this match wasn’t anything like it’s SmackDown counterpart. It was short and sweet with Ambrose going over easy. A little more wear and tear on the left leg of Ambrose but he should be good to go.
The interesting tidbit in this segment comes when the match is over and Ambrose is grabbing his title and preparing to head to the back. Seth Rollins’ music hits. Now either the audio guy cued the music early or Seth is on the attack. Mind games. Rollins and Ambrose walk right past each other on the ramp and exchange looks. Rollins gets in the ring and Ambrose pauses. He’s almost to the back when he decides to turn around. He sprints full speed to the ring and Rollins is ready for a fight. Ambrose slides in and waltzes right past Rollins and heads straight to the Spanish announce table. I guess he wanted an up close look at his future opponent. Rollins and Ziggler must be next.
Seth Rollins Vs. Dolph Ziggler
Ambrose sparks up a conversation with the Spanish announce team and the match starts. Dolph uses his amateur wrestling prowess to gain the advantage early. Seth slides out the ring to regroup. Aside from Dean’s commentary, the match is a typical WWE production. Seth hits, Dolph counters, Dolph hits, Seth counters. There were a few decent spots. Dolph had a wicked looking fireman’s carry pin combo and Seth was his usual high flying self. There was a good build up to the finish. After a DDT, Dolph goes for the Zig Zag. Rollins quickly turns around and grabs Dolph before he can roll up to his feet. He lands the Pedigree and gets the 3 count.
After the match, Rollins has some words for the WWE Universe. He grabs a microphone and climbs on top of the announce table. He actually slanders Roman Reigns something fierce by PG standards. He again calls for him to be removed from the Main Event at Battleground and practically says that Reigns WAS pushed without ever really having to work. I don’t know if it was because of the Reigns hate speech or the few verbal jabs Rollins sent his way, but Ambrose decides it’s time to get involved. He stands on the Spanish announce table and confronts Rollins. Rollins vows to get “his” title back. Ambrose throws the title at his face and follows that up with fists. He grabs Seth by the head and hits him with Dirty Deeds on the Spanish announce table. Lunatic out.
Creepy Wyatt Promo
The Wyatts are here but this time they’re….not? They make this creepy vignette inviting New Day to some broken down barn in the middle of nowhere. The barn actually has pretty solid lighting. Well anyway, Bray speaks on reality and how anyone who can believe in the power of positivity must be an idiot or a child. I wonder how they made the video? Did Luke hold the camera? I miss that guy. Will New Day stop living in what Bray refers to as fantasy and join him in “reality”? What about Xavier Woods? Time will tell.
It’s exactly what you think.
Vickie Guerrero is here! Of course just like Kane and John and Teddy before her she believes she should be in charge of SmackDown LIVE. She tries to get a hashtag trending and then security comes out. She had almost no chance to plead her case. Maybe she could’ve learned a thing or two from some of the names listed earlier. You gotta go directly to the source. Find a McMahon and sink her claws in. For now, you’ll be escorted from the arena.
The World’s Largest Pep Talk
Big Show lines his men up before this Teddy Long-like 16 man tag match later on tonight. Everyone is wearing stars and stripes and are I guess American. Their opponents will all be people from other countries. Hopefully for the good ol’ US of A they can pull it off.
Ziggy Give Me One More Chance
We see Vickie being escorted out of the building. She passes by none other than Dolph Ziggler. Oh the history. She tries to get Dolph to vouch for her, keep her in the building. He tells security that he’s never seen this lady before in his life. They take her away. Dolph just so happens to be on his cell phone and whomever he’s talking to gets a gem. He tells them, “No, I lost again but I tried really hard it was close.” Gotta love Dolph.
The Vaudevillains Vs. The Golden Truth (with Breezango at ringside for some reason)
The Golden Truth finally got a win a few weeks back and the cards are stacked against them in this one. The Vaudevillains are no pushover. I guess this match stems from the opening food fight segment. Short match, and I believe we can chalk this outcome up to overconfidence. Yes, the Golden Truth actually land their finisher, Solid Gold, and win the match clean. I would hope this isn’t the passing of the torch from the old jobbers to the new young ones. The Vaudevillains have so much left in the tank. They are no Ascension. I guess Breezango just wanted some air time.
Make Darren Young Great Again
This may be the best MDYGA spot yet! Bob Backlund asks Darren Young what his finisher is, Darren replies with The Gut Check. Bob asks him if he has a submission hold and Darren says no. Bob suggest the Crossface Chickenwing!! Big deal. HUGE deal!! If a former champion and Hall Of Famer wants to lend you their finisher, YOU TAKE THAT!! I can’t wait to see what Darren Young can do. He’s a gifted athlete and has a ton of charisma. With an eventual heel turn, he can be a 300+ day IC champion. Mark my words!!
Wrap uh Dude
To whom it may concern: I am a 27 year old John Cena supporter. I yell, “LETS GO CENA,” at the top of my lungs when I watch at home. I’ve yet to see him perform in person and when I do, I’ll flip my you know what. We all know what to expect and we all know who to expect in this segment, The Club. He comes out, panders to the crowd, and calls out The Club! They trounce on out and give us some of the greatest mic work we’ve seen in recent history. They talk about the WWE’s recent trip to Japan, no one liking Cena, and wanting to kick his face in. In fact, they like that last idea so much they decide that from now on, they will beat up John Cena every week! It’s hilarious and if you haven’t seen it yet you should check it out.
With it being a new week and all, they figure what better time to start than now? They walk down to the ring, surround The Face That Runs The Place and begin a beatdown. In the most unlikely event, Enzo and Cass come out to save the day! They even the odds and rid the ring of The Club. Got a cup uh segments? A cup uh segments? How YOU Doin’?
Summer Rae Vs. Becky Lynch
Another women’s match, another 3 minute spot. No chance to tell a story, no chance to get the crowd involved, and the commentary was also trash for this part. Sad WWE. Just sad. Becky wins pretty easy. Summer had a better match last week against Sasha. You should check that out if you haven’t.
Building Walls Keeps Cool People Out
It’s the Out of Towners turn to get amped up for the 16 man tag match. Canada is very much present. There’s an argument over who gets to be in charge and the heels march off leaving the baby faces to join forces. Dysfunction already.
Gotta Pay Bills I Guess
Enzo. Cass. Sonic restaurant. PB and J sandwich mommy made versus a drink, burger, hot dog and a cup of taters! Bills paid, let’s move along.
New Day Talks
Well there are no punches pulled today. New Day comes right out and accuses the Wyatts of being Hillbillies and engagers of deviant acts like incest. Is this still PG? As they verbally tear down the Wyatts, that creepy scream and darkness smack us all unexpectedly. The Wyatts are serious about this barn you guys. They’re calling it a compound. They extend an invitation yet again to the New Day in the form of a video.
Kofi and Big E gladly accept without hesitation. Xavier on the other hand, has his doubts. He questions his buddies and seems flat out worried. They don’t have the numbers advantage with the Wyatts and they’d be playing ball entirely in enemy territory. Woods looks upset. He basically tells his partners to get a grasp on reality and then mic drops. He leaves Kofi and E in the ring and walks to the back alone. Is this the end of the New Day era?
16 Man Tag Match
You know how these things tend to work. A bunch of guys = an elimination match. I think it’d be more fun just listing the teams so let’s do that.
Team USA: Big Show, Kane, Apollo Crews, The Dudleyz, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry and Zack Ryder
Multi-National Alliance: The Lucha Dragons, Kevin Owens, Sami Zayn, Cesaro, Alberto Del Rio, Chris Jericho and Sheamus.
There was a really cool moment where Jack Swagger and Cesaro give us a flashback to their Real American days. Nice. Also a Pop Up Powerbomb on Mark Henry before KO got eliminated for hitting his own partner (Sami Zayn) with a chair.
If you watched this, explain to the people how many times you heard the word “eliminated” in a 3o second span during this match. Things aren’t looking good when it becomes 4 on 2 with the MNA in control.Things are fine until Cesaro gets left out. Sheamus, Jericho, and Del Rio are intentionally not tagging in Cesaro so when he tags himself in and Jericho flips, he flips on his team. Upper Cut party on his own team! Until Zack Ryder is able to counter the Dutch Neutralizer and roll up Cesaro to eliminate him. 3-2 and Ryder is able to tag in Big Show.Big Show decimates the competition until it becomes 2 on 1 in Team USA’s favor. Sheamus tries to run but Show isn’t having it. He snatches him into the ring and pounds on him. Sheamus breaks away and Drop Kicks Show’s knee. Big Show in pain tags in Zack. Zack manages to hit the Rough Ryder with a little help from Show and Team USA wins it because AMERICA!!! What did you expect?